I try to think about who my mom could have been if she wasn't abused and then didn't turn around, marry an abuser, and then abuse me, all while being a “devout” and hateful Catholic.
This is my ode to her and the racism she faced in her light-skinned Mexican family. In the end, I don't excuse her actions — I'm mad AND disappointed.
She could have been better. I needed her to be better. She failed and so it's on me to decide what stays and what goes. We love our mothers instinctually but sometimes we must break those shackles and be our own mothers.
Beautiful brown girl, They say you are too dark, Curly hair, smart but fat. Though I remember being small, Marvelling at your scars, A life of love and combat. What must you have felt, When I was born with your curse, A bundle of your mangled dreams, Blemished stranger in your arms. You couldn't see my beauty for yours, Just a burden, tears and screams. Beautiful brown girl, Your mother called you lazy, Because you wouldn't do your chores. You just wanted to read your books, Be lost to taunts and judgement, That is no fault of yours. If only you hadn't forgotten, The story of how I was born, Tethered to you, my only home, Trust formed in utero, My love an ancient promise, Taken from nature's sacred tome. Beautiful brown girl, They hurt you deeply: their words, Searing acid, with intent to maim, Learned traditions of hate. You deserved better than the monster, You married, and the devil you became. Not good enough to wear your crown, Only to bear a cross and secrets. Sermons miss your prideful ears — Made your man a false god. Revenge is heaven's locked gate, Justice delivered by demon spears. The struggle was mine alone: Learn to speak, fight, be tender, To hold my child in safety and grace, Cherish, defend, and champion, The miracle and gift of their being, Beside them no matter what they face. Wounded mother, once a, Beautiful brown girl, Nothing can excuse your ruined soul, Withered down to nothing, Generational disease ends with me, Because I have gone and made myself whole.
“Generational disease ends with me,
Because I have gone and made myself whole.”
Oh my days, I felt this right in my heart space! Such an incredibly vivid & beautifully heartrending piece, R. M., you are a true alchemist.💜✨💜
Beautiful bit of poetry.. such vivid imagery. I really like the way you change perspectives in the piece and the way it reinforces the symbolic shedding of the self 😌